As long as you don't hurt me, we're good. (5 Ways to Approach Relationship with Pain Instead of from Pain)

Friends, I have been trying to figure out a way to deliver a meaningful piece while introducing this new season of my life. Sure, I could do a “here’s what I’ve been up to” blog, but that just does not align with the rest of my work. “No one cares about a life update”, is what I told myself. While I’m sure someone cares, it’s important to me that even a life update (from me) is partnered with hope, encouragement, a little humor, and as always – my raw honesty with God’s Truth.

As some of you may know, I am married now! I was proposed to a month after I released my last blog on The Silver Lining of Suffering: 5 Lessons Loss Gifted Me. I married the love of my life on Saturday, May 3, 2025. It was a beautiful ceremony, and of course I’ll share pictures!

Don’t worry. I’m not about to start sharing marriage advice after being married for 3 days LOL! However, I am compelled to share pivotal parts of my journey. Earlier this year I spoke at a singles event on re-defining how we show up in relationships. As always, I used my personal experiences, clinical background, and biblical truth as my content. As I was leaving that event, I was approached by three people (separately) that asked If I would write about what I shared that day.

So without further ado, explore with me 5 ways to show up in relationship differently than we have before. Pain is a promised part of life. I have seen time and time again how our efforts to avoid pain impact our relationships and even social skills. What if it's possible to still show up with pain from your past (because we can't erase it), but we do the work to where we no longer operate from a place of pain? As we go into this, I encourage you to say to yourself after each one, “How I show up in relationship with God influences how I show up in every other relationship.”

1. Show up with intentionality. We do not stumble upon a fruitful and anchored relationship of any kind. If the relationship is strong, it’s because it was on purpose and we created the environment for it. I recall thinking concerning relationships, including platonic ones, “As long as you don’t hurt me, we’ll be good.” Ha! The audacity! Can you imagine? That type of mindset did not consider room for my own shortcomings, nor a plan for when I was the offender. What then? More than that, how do I decipher between what level of pain means abandon the relationship and what level of pain is worth fighting to resolve and repair (emphasis on “and”, because it is possible and sometimes necessary to resolve without repairing/mending the relationship).

To show up with intention is to show up on purpose; to not take a lackadaisical approach to the relationship. “We’ll see what happens.” Hear my heart, we tend to do God that way. I know I did, and still can if I’m not careful. When the Lord “hurt my feelings” by not giving me what I thought was for me at the time, I found that I would shorten my prayers to the basics or even stop talking to Him altogether for a while. Basically, holding a grudge against God. It would also handicap my faith when I didn’t get what I wanted (this means my faith was in the outcome). So, instead of praying in faith for what I believed was the will of God, I would just “see what happened” instead of declaring by faith. Not because I didn’t truly have a desire, but because I was terrified of being disappointed again. I see this all the time in my office. The pattern goes, I had hope >> I got hurt >> I stopped hoping. Friend, break the cycle.

“How I show up in relationship with God influences how I show up in every other relationship.”

2. Show up with humility. If you spend any amount of time on social media, you will likely hear or read a conversation on “what do you bring to the table?”. Culture shapes us to demand more than we have to offer and teaches us that we are owed only the best. The issue with this is that mindset demands ZERO introspection. Am I prepared to handle what I desire? What am I willing to compromise or sacrifice? How comfortable am I apologizing? Do I talk more about what I won’t tolerate than what I will give? Do I know how to be accountable to someone? How do I respond when I am challenged?

We often do God the same way, because how we do one thing is how we do ALL things. What do we feel we are entitled to from God? I say this next part with so much love and compassion in my heart: Marriage is not a PROMISE of God. It’s not the same as His promise of eternity with Him through salvation. He does not OWE us a spouse. This was a humbling reality for me to wrestle with before I ever met my husband. One of my journal prompts was, “Will I continue to serve God if I never get the husband I desire?” Purity culture and prosperity gospel often teaches “If you do right (remain abstinent, work hard, sacrifice, etc.), you’ll get what you want.”

That is not biblically sound nor realistic!

Philippians 2:4-8 NLT speaks on the humility of Christ. “Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave. and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.”

I’m not saying not to have desires, I’m saying to check your heart posture as it relates to your desires – both in relationship with God and others. Is my love conditional on my desires being met? Do I give only to get what I want? Do I have an understanding of what my desires are shaped by?

“How I show up in relationship with God influences how I show up in every other relationship.”

3. Show up with your heart on your sleeve. This is the one I get the most pushback from with my clients. I get it, I get it. Being vulnerable is RISKY, I can’t deny that. However, we are not born fearing vulnerability. Consider my nephew, Ace. He, and most toddlers, has not learned to fear rejection just yet. He will walk out of the tub with his pot belly, no clothes, no diaper, in front of everyone in the house and laugh without fear and still think the world of himself. Why is that? It is likely because he has not learned just yet to examine the looks of others or internalize the laughs as laughing at him. He is not embarrassed because he has not been shamed for it. He has not developed insecurities yet. He has more resilience and a quicker recovery time (from pain) than most of us adults. I say this to highlight that fear of vulnerability is a LEARNED behavior – we were not created with that fear.

I validate where the fear comes from. Naturally, when we are hurt, we go into protective mode. It seems like the best solution is to never make ourselves available to pain again. “Ouch that hurt. How can I make sure I don’t feel that pain again?”  This often leads us to suppressing our emotions (It is not safe to show what I feel), projecting our feelings onto others (I will assume the worst so that I won’t get hurt), self-sabotaging (I will cut it off before they can hurt me), and in some cases becoming the very thing that hurt us. This solution actually DOES help us avoid some pain, but it also helps us to avoid the love and belonging we desire to receive from others.

You know where I’m going next. Sometimes, we do this with God as well. I remember there were certain things I was slow to disclose to God, as if He did not already know! Hebrews 4:13 NLT says, “Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before His eyes, and He is the One to whom we are accountable.” Although the initial thought of being so exposed to God can seem alarming, consider how relieving it would be to sit with someone who already knows all of you and has established that He won’t leave you despite your shortcomings. That’s all we ever really want anyway – to guarantee that someone will stay and welcome us even after they learn the parts of us that we keep hidden. What if I told you that you already have that in Christ? If you can begin to trust that, I believe that will help you when it comes to vulnerability with others.

“How I show up in relationship with God influences how I show up in every other relationship.”

Y’all doin’ alright? We’re almost done, I promise.

4. Show up with preparation to act and an end goal in mind. There are some things I am committed to doing no matter the person. For example, I don’t wait to see if they’re integral to decide whether or not I will act out of integrity. I show up prepared to act on my values regardless. When we allow someone else’s behavior to determine how we behave (they call this “matching energy”), we’ve already given them too much power!

Let’s talk about the end goal for a moment. When it comes to relationships, it was helpful for me to change my end goal to “a deeply meaningful relationship that adds value to my life” instead of immediately having the end goal of marriage. When the end goal is only the latter, that can cause us to ignore red flags, dismiss wise counsel, abandon common sense, and even settle at times. I have found that when I have an end goal in mind and I am prepared to act on it, it doesn’t take long to observe whether or not this is an environment, friend, or relationship for me.

Author Craig Groeschel said, “Lord my answer is yes, now what’s the question?” Whew! That’s what it sounds like to be prepared to act and have an end goal in our relationship with God. I am NOT always courageous enough to pray that prayer. Before I say yes, Lord, can you guarantee I won’t get hurt? How many times will I fail before I reach the finish line? What will this require of me? What do I have to give up? These are real questions that I imagine many of us have. I encourage you to evaluate your end goal and level of preparation to act in your relationships.

“How I show up in relationship with God influences how I show up in every other relationship.”

5. Finally, show up with dangerous prayers. Dangerous prayers sound like:

   1. “Lord, show me me.”

   2. “Lord, search me, break me, send me.”

   3. “Lord, prepare me for what is to come.”

In Craig Groeschel’s YouVersion Bible Plan Dangerous Prayers (he also has a book titled the same), he discusses what it means to pray dangerous prayers – prayers that require something of YOU, and produces greater. When our relationship with God is based on only what we’re comfortable with, it is likely that this is how our relationships with others look. Ask yourself:

-       Do I play it safe with God to control the outcome?

-       Do I not pray certain prayers because I don’t trust that I can handle the answer?

-       Are there things I don’t request in prayer out of fear of what it may require of me?

-       When is the last time I took a righteous risk?

“How I show up in relationship with God influences how I show up in every other relationship.”

I always laugh when married couple’s advice to singles is to believe “It will come when you’re not looking for it or when you least expect it.” Or when we’re told to just “hope and pray”. I would counter with PREPARE and pray with our eyes wide open – not just as it relates to relationships (I understand not everyone desires marriage), but with whatever it is that you have before the Lord. Relationships expose what is already there – insecurities, habits, flaws, mindsets, etc. May we open our hearts to allow the Lord in to see, receive, rebuke, mold, then bless what is already there, no matter how ugly it is. He can work with ANYTHING. I truly believe that when we open our hearts in this way, we will fear rejection a little less, heal a little more, be bolder in our prayers, pursue from a place of confidence instead of fear, and both prepare for and make ourselves available to the desires of our heart.

P.S. Thank you to everyone who has sent prayers, well-wishes, gifts, and came to celebrate with us. I am especially thankful for the support we have received from loved ones. Amen for a community who celebrates like the party is their own, prays to God for you like they do themselves, and who hates drama as much as we do! This all made our special day that much more special. Our story is my favorite! Our story and proposal video can be viewed on our wedding website.

Until next time,

Brianna...Dodds